my break up with rashied is tearing me apart. i cant get over him. i cant get him out of my head. i like him. i like him alot. and hes the only person that use to make me happy. he use to make me smile, and laugh. i dont know, nobody can do that anymore. i just sit for hours and wonder if we’d still be together if i never sent that text. if i’d be happy right now.
i hate the way it is now. the way im being treated. like im shit. like i never meant anything to you. i have to deal with your shit everytime i see you at school. it hurts having to see you a t school. it sucks not being able to hug you and kiss you. i regret eveything. i regret it all. when i was down, i would come to you and vent and you’d be there to make me smile.
actually, no. i was becoming a better person when i was with you. this sounds really stupid but i was becoming a better child to my parents. i listened to whatever they told me to do. and wanna know why? so they can let me go out with you. spend time with you. rashied im so sorry. i wish you’d believe me on this. but i know you’re over me now. and nothing wont ever work out between us again. i wish. i just wish.
i have to lie to people day by day saying that im over you. i have to hear now you’re nothing and i deserve better but i dontwant better. i want you. i wannt be in your arms. i wannt feel that warmth. i just miss everything, and i always will. i’ll always regret leaving you. it wont every be the same. and it’s alll my fault.
im back to this same old shit. back to venting on this stupid tumblr. why? cant i cant do it anywhere else. i have no privacy anywhere. i mean, i could make a journal but im pretty sure my mom will get to that. she always tends to look at all my shit and im getting real sick of it. i cant stand it. she needs to stop. she makes me feel like im trapped in some short of box and i cant get out. like, i have no right to have my own privacy. she doesnt understand that im 15, yeah im gonna hide some things from her. im not always going to tell her everything. she doesnt get that i need my own space for once in this little square that i live in. she doesnt get that. she doesnt.
like, that fight with diego. i didnt care about it, it’s been going on for a while. i know the real me and what hes saying isnt true. i got worse shit on him. he shouldnt even start. anyways, back to what i was saying. she thought it was ok to go through my facebook and look at my shit? really? those are MY messages. my private converstations that i have with people. her bringing it up made it all worse. worse than it was before. worse than it will ever be. i can’t stop thinking about what i said, or what hes saying to everybody now. she brought it back to me, and now it wont go away. it’s stuck to me like glue. its taunting me day by day. and i cant do anything but hold my pain back. i dont even want to go back to church at all. i dont want to see anybodys faces. i dont want to know how many people found out about that shit. i dont want to know what they think of me. i hate that ward. i hate the people. i hate their fake attitudes. i hate everything and everyone now.
My phone use to be the only thing i can just drown myself into and forget about the world and what’s happening. but i cant even do that anymore now that i keep getting it taken away. yeah, i have become depressed, at the fact that i cant do shit. shit in this little ass place. the little fucking box that i live in. it’s like im in prison and they need to keep an eye on me 24/7. what have i done to them? i try and try to be a good kid, but its never enough for them. ever. they never appreciate the little things i do, and thats what suppose to count right? like that saying. they want the big things done. i have to do something in order for me to go somewhere. and its not just one thing, its alot. yeah, i dont do alot. but i do more than what my brother does. and they let him do alot of shit.
yeah ok, i get it. high school has changed me. yeah, my taste in music has changed to. maybe it’s become more deep and sentimental. i can relate to it though. more than that crappy mainstream music that’s annoying as hell.
i want a bit of freedom to like kids nowadays. they go walk the streets with their friends and go out to eat. and just do alot of shit. i wanna do that, i wanna be able to take the bus, not just with someone. but alone. i want that trust that i’ll be ok. i wanna be able to call my friends up and be like “meet me up here” but i cant. cause all my parents want is to keep me trapped in this fucking house. keep my tied up like a fucking dog. keep an eye on me. just like a jail cell.
and they wonder why i always wanna go to my bestfriends house? well, one. i always vent to her when i go over. that’s one of the reasons why. second, we get PRIVACY there. we can actually do something without having someone watching us the whole fucking time. she has her OWN room. her mom has trust in her. her mom doesnt look through her stuff.
my mom looking through my faceook has changed the way i see her now. yeah, i love my mom. but i will never be able to trust her. never be able to tell her anything anymore. i dont think i’ll ever come to her for advice. all she thinks of me is a little bitchy teenager now. she has no clue what is going on with me at school, or what im having to deal with day by day.
you have no clue mom.